Thursday, August 29, 2013

On being a gangster

I don't like two door cars. I need four doors so I can bring my possy with me lest bitches get out of hand. 

I speak very well for a gangster.

These hips don't lie, they just omit certain facts.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Last week of classes!

Tears are the best lube. And we all know how I can make a man cry.

Can't spell Ritalin without Rita...

I think I'm going to suffocate myself with my boobs. I was basically sucking on my own tits.

One day the world will want to know who this 'Rita' person is.

I'm not a dyke but I'm a big fan.

Rita: When more than 50% of you is plastic you are no longer human. You are a cyborg. Congratulations Pamela Anderson.
Sarah: So what is Dolly Parton?
Tanner: I think she's a drag queen.
Rita: Also not human. Also an out of this world phenomenon.

Can I take my bra off? People tell you to come in make yourself at home. Do they know what I do at home? They should set a limit. Cuz I'll do it.

And that is why you should always lie. Always. I'm not even named Rita. I'm actually a 58-year-old male midget.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

More studying

I can play footsie without it getting weird! Give me your foot goddammit!

I may have killed a man. Went to Best Buy because my iPod was acting weird. It would play the first ten seconds of a song and then skip to another one. So I was trying to describe this to the guy, and I said "I'm listening to the Beatles and then it's like 'Suck my dick!', which I'm pretty sure isn't how the song goes" and he started choking and runs in the back. I never saw him again. Should I send a condolences card to Best Buy? I'm not sure how to react to this situation that I have created.

I overheard this girl in my class today say the exam was the "hardest thing ever." I muttered "second hardest." She didn't think it was funny. I think she's a lesbian.

I watched the election coverage on Fox because I hate myself.

Sunday, November 4, 2012


She's everything I want in a woman. And most things I want in a man.


Rita: "I think I may have....tried viagra at least once"
Me: *falls off chair*
Rita: "That was supposed to be two sentences!"

A special guest quote from our Abnormal Psych prof:
"I'm surprised no one has come up to me and said 'Sorry I was late, I was masturbating and just couldn't pull the trigger' "

There was one about me dating asses, but that was more of a figurative thing.

I don't know what your problem is but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

Just because it fits in your mouth does not mean it belongs there.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

More Wally Mart

Wal-Mart Cashier: Someone didn't replace the bags when they left this till.
Rita: Kill them.
WMC: Pardon?
Rita: Nevermind!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Journey to Wal-Mart

'Bleeding out of your vagina is only the beginning.'

'I want to eat her skin and become her.'

'I called it a lifestyle choice because I'm a bitch.'

'I'm going to write a book; "How to get rid of him after the love is gone - Ten easy steps that the cops will never catch on to."'

'It's funny cuz her mom thinks she's a lesbian.'